At the end of last night’s final round of auditions, Ryan Seacrest said, “’American Idol’ auditions never get old. Do they?”
That question was clearly intended to be rhetorical, but the uncertainty in his voice hinted at something deeper. Could “Idol” be aware that the opening rounds just aren’t as rife with hilarity as they used to be? This season started off on a high enough note—after all, we'll probably never forget Paula, Randy, Ryan and that guy in the pimp hat singing “I am your brother”—but the last two weeks have fallen a little flat. And not in the funny way.
Hotlanta and the ‘best of the rest’ did offer us a few crazies though, so before we hunker down for a few months of reasonably-to-exceptionally talented performers, here’s one last rundown of the folks who just don’t get it...
JP Tjelmeland
Long told that he possesses a certain "star quality," JP’s
biggest claim to fame is that he auditioned a mere two spots away from Carrie
Underwood back in 2004. His audition
this year made a very strong case against the notion of learning by
osmosis. He’s so tragically bad that
you can’t even laugh at his singing. His thorough delusion (he’s a music major), however, is another
matter.
The Love Triangle
“Idol” has a tendency to make much ado about nothing by
imploring some crafty editing and appealing to people's willingness to make
fools of themselves. Their
tongue-and-cheek segment about a “threesome” among identical twins Chris and
Cory and an overly-tanned girl named Ashley was supposed to be funny, but it
ended up just being unsavory.
Danny Noriega
This one might sting the most because he’s actually going to Hollywood. It’s like one of those “Final Destination”
movies where future catastrophic events flash before your eyes, and there’s
nothing you can do to stop them. Danny
Noriega, thus far, is the closest thing we’ve seen to Sanjaya Malakar. His name isn’t remotely as funny and he’s
definitely not as charismatic, but that bony frame! That olive skin! If Danny
sneaks into the top 12, he could very well ride a wave of tween tears and
ironic adulation all the way to the finals.
Alright, that's it! Hollywood week is upon us in T-minus five days, and we're here to tell you who's got a chance and who doesn't have a clue.