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Big question: Pseudo-intellectual, drug-abusing Syd (Chris Evans) wants to win back his ex-girlfriend London (Jessica Biel) before she leaves the country. Would Mr. Mopey like some cheese with his whine?

Skip it: "London" is a coke-snorting catastrophe, full of endless scenes of chiseled morons trying to be Socrates. You're better off getting relationship advice from a Magic 8-ball.

Catch it if: You swoon over Evans' biceps or Biel's thighs. Which, to be fair, are impressive.

Bottom line: A miserable mess of unlikable, ridiculously reflective characters, "London" is like an episode of "Dawson's Creek" written by Bret Easton Ellis.

Bonus: Evans shows no signs of intoxication after Syd spends the entire film downing tequila and inhaling coke. Hey, kids: do not try this--or acting this poorly--at home.

mpais@tribune.com

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`London'

Directed and written by Hunter Richards; cinematography by Jo Willems; production design by Erin Smith; music by The Crystal Method; edited by Tracey Wadmore-Smith; produced by Ash Shah, Paul Davis Miller and Bonnie Timmermann. A Destination Films and Samuel Goldwyn Films release; opens Friday at the AMC River East 21 theater and the Century Cinearts 6 in Evanston. Running time: 1:32. MPAA rating: R (for strong sexual content, pervasive language and drug use, and some violence).

Syd - Chris Evans

London - Jessica Biel

Bateman - Jason Statham

Rebecca - Isla Fisher

Mallory - Joy Bryant

Maya - Kelli Garner

George - Dane Cook

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