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Car dealer and semi-trustworthy family man Terry (Jason Statham) rounds up a gang of amateur crooks to rob a bank after one of his old friends, Martine (Saffron Burrows), gives him a tip that may or may not be motivated by sneaky government officials and a ruthless drug dealer who goes by the name Michael X (Peter de Jersey). The holdup doesn't go as planned, of course, and the movie based on true events in early '70s England, eventually involves the unavoidable high-level secrets, blackmail and corruption.
 
Big question: Is this heist flick more like the zippy "Ocean's Thirteen" or the grueling "Mad Money"?
 
Skip it: Somewhat polished but in need of three rewrites and some caffeine, "The Bank Job" takes forever to get going, fails to deliver the twists it promises and proves you can be totally bored while watching people steal loads of cash. There's also no one to root for and no lessons to distract you from the knowledge that Statham, now having starred in both "The Bank Job" and "The Italian Job," should consider himself very lucky that he still has a job.
 
Catch it: It's safe to say you won't see another movie this year in which characters utter the terms "scallywag," "skullduggery" and "poo-poo land." And that's it for this round of "One of These Things is Not Like the Other."
 
Bottom line: "The Bank Job" ends with about 15 intriguing minutes, but George Clooney and Brad Pitt could pull a job ten times more exciting than this while drinking a martini and posing for People magazine.
 
Bonus: Whatever anyone calls you today, it probably won't be as bad as what undercover officer Gale Benson (Hattie Morahan) calls Michael X: "A crazy lunatic dope-smoking pimp extortionist." Yes, we're giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're not, in fact, crazy, a lunatic, or a dope-smoking pimp extortionist. You're welcome!

What do you think of 'The Bank Job'? Email me: mpais@tribune.com

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