'I Hate Valentine's Day' review

Nia Vardalos and John Corbett (Credit: IHVD Holding Co.)

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Brooklyn flower shop owner Genevieve (Nia Vardalos) has a simple rule to make sure she’s never hurt in a relationship: don’t let anything last beyond the fifth date. That way she gets all the romance, and none of the heartbreak. [Editor’s note: Something tells us Genevieve’s foolproof strategy is going to be put to the test!] Then she meets Southern-born nice guy Greg (John Corbett), and discovers what happens when ending a relationship prematurely leads to heartbreak anyway.

The buzz: Absent from the film scene for several years, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” dynamo Vardalos made a less than splashy comeback with last month’s dud “My Life in Ruins.” “Valentine’s Day” seems to be a little more intriguing: it’s the first film Vardalos has directed in addition to writing, and reunites her with “Greek Wedding” love interest Corbett. But it’s getting a significantly smaller release than “Ruins,” initially opening in just New York and Los Angeles and also playing on IFC’s on demand service.

The verdict: Is it too pat to say “I Hate This Movie”? That’s about the level of creative energy Vardalos applies to a film that manages to be every bit as bad as “Ruins,” just in an entirely different way. Where “Ruins” was broad and obnoxious, “Valentine’s” is old fashioned and dull. It’s sweet and laid back, but shapeless and disastrously unfunny. Apparently, too much control is not a good thing for Vardalos—she comes up short as a writer, director and actress. The comic targets are lame and obvious (modern art, bad karaoke), the film’s pacing is deadly (Greg’s tapas restaurant is called “Get On Tapas”—it’s not even supposed to be funny, but the film dwells on it forever) and Vardalos’ performance entirely avoids her strengths as a quirky comedienne. She attempts to channel the natural sunniness of someone like Amy Adams, but the omnipresent smile she plasters on herself is downright creepy. Genevieve is like some kind of Xanexed zombie straight out of “Invasion of the Romance Snatchers.” Corbett escapes with his dignity and the large supporting cast is full of actors good enough to leave this off their resume, but it’s a shame to see Vardalos torpedo her once promising career with so many bad decisions.

Did you know? The movie came about when producers pitched the title to Vardalos and told her they were looking for a story to support it. Yes, that’s actually how some movies get made in Hollywood.

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