Hellboy II: The Golden Army

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Long-haired supernatural twins who look like members of early-'90s hair metal band Nelson attempt to take control of the long-dormant golden army so they can wage war against humanity. Sounds like a job for Dark Horse comic hero/paranormal investigator Hellboy (Ron Perlman), his secretly pregnant significant other (Selma Blair) and their fishy sidekick Abe Sapien (Doug Jones), who remains one of the wussiest comic book characters ever.
 
Big question: Can writer-director Guillermo Del Toro ("Pan's Labyrinth") make "Hellboy II" rise above its mediocre predecessor to prove that comic book sequels are always superior?
 
Skip it: Rarely have you seen so many gross objects fighting and cared so little. Del Toro's got directing chops but he's massively overrated as a storyteller, reiterated by the movie's narrative incoherence and the pregnancy backstory which is, like, so 2007 ("Juno," "Knocked Up").

Catch it: If you agree with Hellboy that the world will one day realize its mistake and learn to embrace the 8-track player. When that happens, we're all going to your house to watch Laserdiscs!
 
Bottom line: The movie, devoid of laughs or forward momentum, solidifies quickly into a big block of boredom. "Hellboy II" is simply a bull in a china shop, smashing around aimlessly, desperately hoping we'll at least be impressed with the horns.
 
Bonus: The movie informs us that the creepy looking "tooth fairies," small demons with a killer appetite, are known for eating and eating and then pooping and eating again. We suggest avoiding these until you’re planning on having a baby, in which case these critters make great practice.

Video: Watch the review of 'Hellboy II'

What do you think of 'Hellboy II'? Email me: mpais@tribune.com