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When his 17-year-old daughter Melanie’s (Raven-Symone, over-acting her heart out) invited to Georgetown University for a last-minute interview, an overprotective dad/Chicago cop (Martin Lawrence/facial expression aficionado) decides to drive her there himself. The goal: to make sure his first-born’s only college knowledge is clean, non-sexual and non-fun, and to encourage/force her to stay close to home and go to Northwestern. If that doesn’t sound hysterical enough, there’s also Donny Osmond as the world’s most smilin’, huggin’, show-tune singin’ dad, and a pet pig who plays chess in the bathtub and has a wicked caffeine freak-out after downing some coffee beans.

Big questions: Is it not completely unnatural to make a Disney movie about college, and a road trip, much less a college road trip, that is rated G and stars these people? Not to mention directed by Roger Kumble, the man behind the sleaze-a-riffic "Cruel Intentions"?

Skip it: A movie geared towards absolutely no one, “College Road Trip” dilutes a scary time for parents and teenagers into a story that’s of no concern to the 7-year-olds who will see it and too simple and naïve for adults who don’t live in the Disney store. No matter how strong anyone’s fear about starting college, it’s probably only slightly worse than the thought of seeing a daddy-daughter conversation/bonding montage or a mid-movie, mid-bus performance of ‘80s funk tune “Double Dutch Bus” by Melanie and a group of Japanese tourists.

Catch it: If you love to hear the constant shrieking of high school girls, which is, at least, the one element of the movie that actually exists in the real world.

Bottom line: The movie’s heart is in the right place--children respecting adults, parents learning to let go, yadda yadda--but that place is captured with the contemporary relevance of “The Brady Bunch.” It’s also so unfunny that “College Road Trip” single-handedly invents the anti-laugh: the sensation of your smile being sucked into your face that we don't recommend unless you're related to a plastic surgeon.

Bonus: Thanks to Osmond’s chipper go-getter and the constant coincidences of characters running into each other, the Mouse House gets to sneak in a little self-promotion by claiming, “It’s a Small World.” Which does, at least, come up in conversation more naturally than “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.”

What do you think of 'College Road Trip'? Email me: mpais@tribune.com

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