Beowulf

An animated action epic you can feel in your loins

By Matt Pais

Critic's Rating:

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Ray Winstone stars as "Beowulf" (Credit: Paramount)

Photos:

Beowulf (Ray Winstone), a muscular tough guy with a gruff voice and beard that would qualify him for an Old Spice commercial, becomes a hero after slaying a monster in 6th century Denmark. But his legend is in jeopardy when he goes to kill the beast's murderous mom and finds that she's a slinky, naked Angelina Jolie with a tentacle for a ponytail. Anthony Hopkins, Robin Wright Penn and John Malkovich also star.

Big question: Can director Robert Zemeckis adapt the Old English poem to make this performance-capture animated flick better than his other one, the horrendous "The Polar Express"?

Catch it: The trailer recalls "300" but the movie's more like "Transformers" with a normal, steroid-free adrenaline level, since the eye-popping 3-D visuals in "Beowulf" more than deliver and you can actually see what's happening in the action sequences. The story’s just a time-passer but the battles may make you exclaim in delight, and no, that’s not a nod to the surprising number of contemporary sexual references the writers have added to a centuries-old story.

Skip it: If you're a vegetarian, since there’s no Tofu Table to be found in this society’s Meat Hall. "Beowulf" is a celebration of bold, carnivorous manhood that won't appeal much to women's' rights groups or People for the Ethical Treatment of Dragons. (Correction: The men of "Beowulf" actually gather in a Mead Hall, not Meat Hall. But based on their eating habits, perhaps Meat would be more appropriate!)

Bottom line: Beowulf reaps no consequences for a pretty major fib, and after awhile he could really knock it off with the macho posturing, the chest-baring and the yelling. (For heaven's sake, we know your name is Beowulf, you don't have to keeping telling us.) But he certainly earns the title of hero, and when you bust through a sea monster's eye, you deserve to toot your own horn.

Bonus: Count 'em three (three!) different characters break out the slow clap. We love it, but is this an action movie or "Rudy"?

mpais@tribune.com