The animated fairy tale parody "Shrek the Third" hits theaters on May 18 because, apparently, nothing but sequels are allowed to be released this summer.
And what's any good entertainment ritual without an accompanying guide to imbibing? (After all, the "Shrek" films have always been promoted as animated comedies, not just cartoons for kids.)
Of course, most people frown upon sneaking booze into a multiplex—we call these people "the theater management" and "the cops"—so go ahead and use the jumbo sized Sierra Mist that set you back 30 bucks and play along with our official "Shrek" drinking game.
The best part? There are no losers.
THE RULES:
Take a Sip When…
- Donkey attempts a song
- Mike Myers' Scottish accent wavers
- The Big Bad Wolf is shown reclining at any point
- There's a slo-mo fight scene, despite the fact that "Matrix" references stopped being hip seven years ago
- Shrek eats something disgusting (Take a bonus sip if this is immediately followed by a fart joke)
- Someone other than Shrek gets covered in something disgusting
Take One Drink If…
- There's a song by a middling, whitebread, Top 40 crooner (like John Mayer or James Blunt)
- A specific celebrity is lampooned (pay close attention whenever the privileged princesses of Far, Far Away are onscreen—it's prime Paris Hilton opportunity)
- The Gingerbread Man loses a limb and/or gumdrop button
- Prince Charming tosses his hair seductively
Take Two Drinks If…
- There's a duet by middling, whitebread, Top 40 crooners (John Mayer and James Blunt!)
- Puss in Boots makes an oddly homosexual double entendre
- The giant mutant Gingerbread Man returns
- Princess Fiona appears in her "human" form
- The "American Idol" gags from "Shrek 2" are replaced by either "Deal or No Deal" or "Dancing With the Stars"
Take a Shot If…
- There's a not-so-thinly-veiled jab taken at anything Disney (Walt Disney World, Disney executives, classic Disney characters)
- The character "Artie" (voiced by Justin Timberlake) threatens to bring sexy back
- There's another joke about Pinocchio wearing a thong
- A reference is made to donkey/dragon sex
- Anyone makes fun of the "Lord of the Rings" and/or "Harry Potter" franchises
Buy the Supersized Happy Deluxe Kid-Friendly "Shrek" Meal If…
- You have any lingering doubts that there'll be a "Shrek 4" and five and, hey, why not, six
